hows it goin in CT? still surfin and lookin like a bronzed god? and hows steve? hey bud i dont wanna dump a shitloada baggage onya but i dunno who else to talk to. i met a dude tonight on the way back from pauls house -- hes new at our school -- paul and jason [thats his name] had a fight the other day but its cool now -- anyway this jason dude sees me outside his house and invites me in for pizza and a beer -- u should see his fuckin bod man -- hes built like steve and he does weights -- totally fuckin awesome. so he takes off his shirt and im like whoa! and my baggies cant hide my boner and he sees the fuckin thing and wants to know if watchin a dude do weights makes me horny -- so im like all fuckin redfaced and dunno what to say cos he seems str8. then its my turn to work out and he gets a fuckin boner! anyway nothin happened cos we were both a bit nervous but i asked him what he did when he got a rise and he went all fuckin weird like i was talkin about fartin in church or somethin. so I figure this dudes led a sheltered life cos he lives with his gran and shes prolly filled his head with all kindsa fuckin superstition about jackin. anyway the thing is we kinda like each other a lot - u know how u get that feelin about a guy? hell i like a whole buncha guys but this time it was like when i met u -- u were different to other guys -- special -- i mean i found myself lookin into ur eyes and goin all fuckin gooey hehehe
so when im walkin home im thinkin about the diff between jason and me. like im tellin him that jackins normal and hes lookin at me like im the fuckin devil himself. he still wants to be my bud tho -- i could tell by the look in his eyes and the way he shook my hand. anyway i got to thinkin about how i screw around all the time -- its like i cant go a fuckin day without sex even if its jackin myself stupid. and theres this jason dude whos prolly never snapped his twig and prolly gets the guilts big time cos he has wet dreams. and then i started thinkin about u and how ur paul was the only dude ud been with until i came into the fuckin picture and u were suddenly like some kid let loose in a candy store hehehe. but now ur back to normal and u dont spread urself around like i do. so i guess what im sayin is what the hells wrong with me? i cant look at a hot bod without wantin to blow or screw the dude. it was different with jason tho. i kinda felt that id spoil him if i touched him -- yknow like he was a virgin or somethin. and then i started feelin guilty about who i am and all the fuckin rad stuff i do.
anyway before i started writin this email i was thinkin about tellin mom and andy that im gay. im gettin tired of livin a double life. then i thought about the consequences. theyd wanna know if paul was gay, and if all the other dudes were gay. and everytime i had a bud visit the fuckin house theyd wanna know if he was gay and whether we were blowin each other. even if i had a str8 friend like jason theyd be suspicious and theyd prolly think i was a bad influence on greg as well.
i know this is a fuckin long email kyle but i gotta talk to someone and ur the only dude i know wholl tell me what u really think. i cant tell paul or the other guys cos they kinda think im fuckin invincible. they see the cocky daniel struttin around like king fuckin kong without a fuckin care in the world. well i guess thats how i am usually but im not some fuckin robot. besides am i gonna be like this all my life? thats the prob with bein a teen -- u cant see what ur gonna be like as an adult -- and u cant look at some adult and say ur gonna be like him cos ur not him and hes not u -- were all different.
im fuckin ramblin here man -- i dont even know what the fuckin question is anymore. its just that u tell me about stuff that u wouldnt tell other dudes and i know i can tell u about my shit. i think ur a god and u think im a god but we both know that underneath all that tanned skin and muscle theres a heart and that we bleed just like anybody else. its just that wed prefer other peeps not to know. i guess that makes us pretty awesome buds huh? i remember when i saw u in CT and id go to fuckin jelly everytime u looked at me and i was freakin big time cos i figured ud think i was lamo or somethin -- but u didnt and that kinda blew me away. so what would dick or paul or freddie or josh or any of the other guys think if they read this email? ive gotta feelin that id have a lot less friends than i have now cos im the one whos always givin other dudes advice and tellin them that bein gay is cool. can u imagine what theyd think if they knew that i had doubts about myself? huh? daniel the fuckin invincible? yeah right.
well man i hope you answer this pretty soon. my heads kinda spinnin and im fuckin confused. tellya what tho -- im gonna jack off now thinkin about jason. 8========D----
As soon as I'd clicked 'send' I wished I hadn't. What the fuck was wrong with me? I was Daniel, not some wuss who couldn't solve his own probs. Anyway, it was too fucking late. Kyle would read it and probably tell me to get a life or something. Doubts, doubts, doubts. Where did they come from? How come they could invade your mind when they weren't even fucking invited? They were like pigeons shitting on a building.
I decided to work out with the chest expander for ten minutes before I hit the sack. The sight of my reflection in the mirror reminded me of Jason's bod. Fuck, his was wicked. But then so was Kyle's, and Paul's, and Dick's and and and… Maybe Jason was right. Maybe dicks really did have a mind of their own. Getting a boner wasn't something you had control over. It just happened. And it had happened to Jason when he watched me curl his barbells. That thought caused me to pause and wonder about something. I ran my eyes over my reflection and tried to see my bod from his perspective -- not that he'd seen me completely naked like I was now. Would he be jacking off thinking about me? Maybe. Maybe not. If the embarrassment written all over his face when I'd mentioned jacking was any indication, his fist would still be a virgin. Besides, he seemed straight. On the other hand, he really liked me. Fuck! Why wasn't life simple?
I threw the chest expander on the bed and began to flex my muscles while watching my image in the mirror. "Does this turn you on, Jason? I see you've got a boner. Why don't you drop your shorts? We can compare boners."
"Fuck! Yours is huge!"
"Seven, solid inches of prime boy beef, dude."
"Do you mind if I touch it?"
"Be my guest."
I wrapped my fist around my throbber and pretended it was Jason's hand. "How does it feel?"
"Wicked! Like steel wrapped in warm silk. Can I stroke it?"
"Sure." I began to ride my fist up and down my shaft. "You'd better move your face outa the way, man, else you're gonna be splattered by a truckload of boy juice."
"I don't mind. What's it taste like?"
"My buds think it's cool."
"Well, I'm your bud, right?"
Jason opened his mouth as I/he kept tugging on my rock-hard monster. "Here it comes, Jason. Open wide, bro!" My whole body tensed and my knees buckled as the first of my wads exploded outa my knob and splattered on the mirror. Pretty soon, there were six or more shiny blobs of cum slowly sliding down the glassy surface. Should I lick them off? Yeah, why the fuck not?
I was in the school change room and about to take a piss when Jason walked in. "Hi, Daniel," he said as he stood next to me. I took my semi outa my shorts and pointed it at the urinal, but I could see from the corner of my eye that he was checking my pissing cock as he continued. "I saw you with some of the guys in the quad and I wasn't sure if I should butt in."
"Hey, we're not an exclusive club, man. You're invited anytime."
"Jeez, Daniel, seems like you've always got a boner."
"That's not a boner, dude. That's a long way short." I glanced over at his. "By the way, you're getting a rise."
"Must be dick telepathy or something," he laughed, then flicked the last of his piss before putting his semi away. "Hey, all that stuff you were talking about yesterday?"
"Yeah?" I followed him to the wash basin as I buttoned my fly.
"I've never talked to anyone about that stuff before. It'd be kinda neat if we could… well, I dunno. I guess you must think I'm kinda dumb."
"If we could what?"
I put my hands under the dryer which whirred into action. "Listen, Jason. You're not dumb. OK? And me? Well, maybe I'm not dumb enough. I'm not sure I'm the guy you should be talking to."
"But you know about a lotta shit. Who else am I gonna talk to?"
"Lemme think about it. Come and meet the guys."
As I introduced Jason to Lindy, Greg, Paul, Jo, Freddie and Benny, I drew a square in the air with my fingers hoping everybody would understand the sign, but I didn't figure on Jason spotting my action. "What was that for?" he asked.
"He means you're straight," Freddie said without thinking. I could've killed the little fucker.
"And you're not?"
"I'm gay. Does that bother you?"
"I'm not sure. I guess not. I just didn't expect… what I mean is…"
"Don't worry about it, Jason," Lindy smiled. "We're all friends here. That's all that matters." Lindy was a fucking lifesaver. Her comment relaxed everybody and we all got along just fine, talking about all kinds of shit, including what life was like in Chicago.
"It's a cool town but I guess we got tired of shovelling snow from our drive every winter."
"You'll love it here," Paul cracked. "You don't have to shovel hurricanes."
As the convo progressed, it was obvious that all the guys were pretty impressed with Jason. At one stage, Lindy gave me a sideways glance and a wink, which I took to mean that she thought he was a hunk. "You should see him minus his shirt," I thought. "You'd go fucking ballistic." Then again, Greg was no slouch in the muscles department either. What concerned me, though, was the risk of somebody trying to hit on Jason, with the exception of Greg, before the dude was up to speed about those kinda things.
I'd just finished my homework when I asked mom if it was OK to visit Paul for a while. "Dinner's at seven."
"And it's your turn to do the dishes."
Just as I was about to close the front door, I heard the phone ring, and waited to see if it was for me. "Daniel? It's for you. A boy named Jason."
"Hi, Jason. 'Sup?"
"I was wondering if you could drop by. My gran wants to meet you. It's kinda like she has to screen my friends -- not that I have any."
"My time's kinda tight, dude, but I'll call in on the way back from Paul's. See ya in about an hour."
Paul was still doing his homework when I arrived, so I helped him with what I could -- not that I knew more than he did. Then I told him I couldn't stay 'cause I had to get home. "Thanks for coming around, Daniel. It really sucks being grounded."
"It's only a week, bud. You'll live."
I didn't tell Paul that I was gonna call around to Jason's house. There was too much to explain, and I didn't have the time, let alone the inclination. As I raised my hand to knock on Jason's front door, I suddenly realized that I was about to be scrutinized by an old woman. Did I deserve this? No, I didn't. But I had to go through with it.
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Diary Part 119