I could dress up this story and leave out some of the stuff Steve has told me to improve Steve's image in your eyes. But that would defeat the purpose of telling this tale. I think it's important for you to understand the enormous pressure on this guy's young shoulders, and the almost impossible depth of the hole he has to climb out of. It's a challenge most of us would never have to face in several lifetimes, and he's basically doing it alone. He's hardly more than a boy. He's made mistakes. Big ones. And he's the first to admit it. He's not trying to justify his past, but he is trying to make up for it, and improve his future at the same time. He will not only make a better person of himself, but also of you and me because of this unique opportunity to share his experiences. MrB
During the flight back to Cape Town, all I could think about was how I was gonna get out of my situation, and start life again. My week in Joburg with Mark and Fingers was fantastic, but they were behind me now, and I was jetting back to a very scary reality at 1000 kph.
It was night by the time I'd hitched a ride home from Cape Town airport. When I got to the front security gate of the house, two guys grabbed me, ordered me not to resist, and bundled me inside. "Phone the boss."
I dialed my [drugs] contact, who wasted no time in telling me he wanted his money. But I'd spent some of it on the air ticket to Joburg, and I was 599 bucks short. "I'll give it to you during the week, I promise. I've been straight for a week, and I wanna stay straight and move on."
One of the dudes grabbed the phone from me, and spoke to the boss. After a short convo, they laid into me with a flurry of fists and tore off my shirt. Then I saw the needle. The first thing I thought was that they were going to give me an overdose, and that I was gonna die. "You owe us for this cocktail as well, boyo," one of them smirked as he jabbed the needle into my arm. Then he pushed the plunger while the other guy held me down.
"I've been climbing the fucking walls, Gary. I'm coming down. I don't know how much they gave me, but I'm coming down pretty hard. The gardener guy found me lying naked in the flower beds. Hahaha! He thought I was fucking dead! I tried to swim in the pool, but I went into a fucking panic. Of course, I could just take another fix to sort me out. But I WON'T! I wanted to let you know that it was fucking good with Mark. I've been good, so don't think shit stuff about me, OK? I'm going to try not to take anything right now. Had such a cool time in Joburg, but I can't even phone Mark right now cos I'm not str8. If he hears me, he'll think I'm back into taking stuff. BUT IT WASN'T MY FUCKING FAULT! You were right about Mark. He's pretty cool. I just wanted to let you know that I'm OK, and I'll write you soon. So don't hassle, OK? CYA. I need to sleep. Zzzzzzzzzzzz. Hahahaha!"
My world was going crazy. Email was coming from everywhere, a lot of it written to Gary by MrB readers, then forwarded to me. Everyone was trying to do the right thing and support me, which was cool, but I wasn't sure I could handle the pressure, especially while I was still under the influence of the cocktail that had been forced into my veins. Whatever it was, it was almost fucking lethal.
The next time I wrote Gary was January 17. "Hi Gary. I'm getting there. I've been as sick as a dog but at least my brain is kind of clear and I can see str8. I've got the shakes but it's getting better. I'm having a "work" problem because I've found all the stuff which was left in my drawer. I thought that they'd [the guys who bashed me senseless] taken it all away with them. The message is that I need to pay for it by next week or they're going to throw me on the city dump. They won't do that, though. Another friend of mine defaulted and the worst was that they took him up the highway, took all his clothes, and gave him a cocktail. Then they beat him up."
"He was picked up by the police, and they found a stash in a baggie (a small plastic bank bag) up his ass, so he was locked up and charged with possession. He was OK after a month. So if that's what's waiting for me then so fucking be it. The other option is for me to hit the clubs and sell it off. So the first option would probably be my punishment for getting into the stuff in the first place. I'm trying to be strong but it's hard."
"Cody never knew about me dealing with the hard stuff. He knew I was selling grass to Mark and Paul but that's all he knew. He thought it was just my own stash. I've got tools and crack on my desk, and I'm staring at it, and saying "fuck you, you wont beat me". But it's laughing at me. What keeps me going is that I want to connect with Wingnut. I think my downer is more to do with him than hanging for a hit. I won't connect with him 'til I'm clean, though, so it's going to be a while."
"When I read your Wingnut stories and how him and Cody made love to each other, well, thats how I want it to be. I want to touch him and for him to touch me. The gardener found me in the dark on Monday morning lying naked in the flower beds and thought I'd been killed. Now they all think I was drunk. At least they didn't stick a thorny rose up my ass. :)"
"This email [containing the Joburg story] has taken me almost three days and nights to write, Gary. I've not been able to sleep well so I've kept myself busy with this. The conversations might not be exactly accurate but its more or less what was said."
"I've got school starting next week and quite a lot to sort out. They've [the syndicate] contacted me twice now for their money and said they would sort me out for the end of my contract once they had it [the money]. I know what that means. I could contact Fingers and he would give me the money in a flash. I can't speak to my folks. They arrived home yesterday. I look at my dad differently now. He's younger than Fingers but such a jerkoff. I wouldn't even mind if he gave me a beating now and then. I think he's just pissed off that I was ever born because it's been like a hassle for them to look after me and try and do their own thing. My mother is OK... at least we can have a friendly talk. My dad? I once told him to fuck off because I wanted him to hit me, but he's such a fucking non event, and just walked away."
"I'm waiting for one of my school buds to contact me because he said he would take over the stash and buy it from me. He thinks I've got a death wish. I can see now why Cody wrote so often. It's been like a therapy. I'm not Code, though, so don't expect a lot of email from me. I used to help him write his stories and enjoyed doing that with him. We used to come up with all the violent bits together, and I wrote the one section where Cody dreams about the Roman gladiator fight. We got off on that type of thing. We also got into a bit of tame bondage now and again. More just tying each other to the bed and then getting each other off :)"
"It's going to be a bit of an uphill battle that I'm not used to. I'm going to miss the cash that I always had in my pocket. Cody always thought that I got it from my folks. What a fucking joke. I think about what Mark said. Cody seeing something in me. I would've thought that it was my body and looks because Cody used to rant and rave about me. I think that's also what I miss. Someone telling me that I'm good looking and attractive. It's fine to know it but it's different to have someone tell you."
"Fingers was a fucking revelation. Ask me a week ago about doing what I did, and I would have said no fucking way am I going to put a 40 something year old cock in my mouth, or put my tongue in his nether regions. He's different and he's a fucking honey, and I do have a huge soft spot for him. And it's not a "let's use him feeling". I hope that it makes some sense to you because I know how I feel. It's not like he would be my life partner. I think I spoke to him about that anyway. I am a nympho and I've known that for fucking ages now. Code told me that often but he was very different."
"I haven't seen or heard from Steph or Wingnut since coming back. I haven't been for a surf. I've basically been fucking hiding until can sort out this whole story. If those guys get me in the open there's no saying what they might try... and while my folks are home it should be cool."
"I got hold of Mark to say thanks but only yesterday because I didn't want to phone him while I was still feeling trashed. This has been the hardest for me, so I know that I've been getting out of hand. The stomach pains and the sickness get to me. I can't eat because I can't hold anything down without puking it up. I smoked a joint thinking it might help but it did nothing besides spin me into another paranoia trip, which has never happened before. My face looks like a person who's dying, with rings around my eyes, and my skin is pale. I might go for a surf later tonight when it starts getting darker."
"I've got one friend who's trying to help me. He used to buy stuff from me and ended up in hospital and then stopped. Now he hates those guys even more than he used to hate me, so Im moving up a bit :) He's a bit of a nerd and into his computers and shit but digs hanging with me, and he's got a car. He's going to come around this evening and we can go for a surf. I'll probably go to Long Beach rather than the local just to get further away."
"Don't hold your breath, Gary. I've tried before and failed but since being with Fingers and Mark I'm a little more determined. I got the mail you forwarded but I'm not sure I want to step into Code's shoes and get into an email frenzy. I haven't heard from Paul but that's not surprising."
"I'll write when I get a chance. I've downloaded the entire Mark series off your site and I'll read those that I never read before. I can only imagine what some of the readers must think of me but that's OK because it's what I think of myself anyway. The mail you sent me after I left was pretty laid back. Thanks for not blowing your cool. I should know better than to write when I'm trashed, but I get this thing in my head where I don't care a fuck for people or what they think, and try to piss off as many as I can. Sometimes it's been the only time I could get a response."
"I keep forgetting and meaning to tell you. John Whitmore the guy who signed Code's Endless Summer poster died on Christmas eve. He was in his late 70s or something. When the film Endless Summer was made he was the guide for the two surfers when they were in South Africa. Cody loved that movie and said that one day he would do that. Follow the sun and the surf. Hahahaha now he can talk to "The Oom" and get some tips on how to ride the sky. They had a memorial for him just before I left to see Mark but I was too trashed to appreciate it. It was way too similar to what we had done for Code. They had made a wreath using seaweed and floated it out to sea. I would love to have seen Code's face when he arrived at the gate. That would've been priceless."
"I saw that picture that you posted of Jason and thought OK so there's a possibility for a sort of hero. He's got the looks. I've never been a hero, Gary. Writing this mail has made me reflect on what a total fucking asshole I've been. I treated everything that should have been so dear to me like shit. That time when Cody fucked one of my girlfriends to prove that she was a whore fucked my brain over, and I don't know if he told you but it was maybe one my worst binges. I went to his house and, before he said anything, I smacked him in the mouth and kept hitting him before he got a chance to hit back because I knew the power of his punches. I'd already had one too many of those. Then for some reason we ended up having sex, and that was the way of our relationship. Then it was a week of being totally trashed. Fights and sex. Not always... well, not in the beginning, but it became that."
"I never or at least I don't think I ever experienced what Cody and Mark had or what him and Wingnut had. I was also a coward and that is what Cody called me once, and it hurt more than you can realise. Don't get me wrong. I loved him so much but didnt know how to embrace that. When I read the stories of him and Mark, and what eventually happened, I felt so sorry that him and me didn't have that. That was love."
"I think to him I was a very good friend and I dont think he realised what he really meant to me, and that was maybe my own fault."
"For anyone to think of me as a hero doesn't make a lot of sense to me. I've got the Midas touch in reverse. Everything I touch turns to shit. You need a hero and I need my dad. What are the chances? I need my dad to come down to the beach and watch me and tell me he's proud. I need him to sit on my bed and tell me about his day and ask me about mine. I need him to spend a whole week at home without trying to get away and escape from me. Most of all I want him to give me a hug. That is what I miss most. Having someone to give me a hug and tell me he's proud. Maybe that is why I like Fingers so much but he's not my dad or Cody. Heroes don't just come along every day and they're not made. They're people with a quality that is unique and fuck me I've searched but I dont see the hero inside myself."
"I've just seen your news page where you speak about Code. I think the problem is that you have been too fucking brave actually. I still cry, and Wingnut hasn't stopped. During my week with Mark he would get choked up every now and again when we spoke about Code. I think Cody would've known that you would be brave like you have been but I think he also knows that you have to cry. Not to get anything out of your system, but to actually come to terms and believe that it happened. Yeah right, I still cant believe it. None of us can."
"I've been thinking about the last day Cody was alive and wondered if things had been different. Cody asked me to go with him that night cos I know some of the guys but I was on a mission with my girlfriend to get laid. So ask me how I fucking live with myself - and I've never told anyone about that - and try to get a decent night's sleep. And the question keeps rolling around in my head. "It's gonna be a fucking rave, Steve! C'mon! Let's fucking party!" So cry, Gary. Code will be there with you. I think he's been with me these last three days. If not with me then he's been guiding my fingers."
Keep cool Gary
Your friend and Cody's
OK, Steve. Here's the deal. You owe me a dollar for everyone who's read this chapter and remained dry-eyed. That should give me enough money to buy the whole of South Africa. I'll install you as King, and sit you on a throne - naked, of course. And there'll be no crown. Don't wanna bugger up those long blonde locks. So what's all this shit about MrB readers thinking you're an asshole? I know my readers - well, your readers to be more accurate. If they think you're an asshole then I'm Dame Nellie Melba. Making mistakes - and you've made plenty - is human. Admitting to them, and trying to make up for them is courageous. If I had a tenth of your courage, they'd have to wheel me around cos of the weight of all the fucking medals. Now don't argue with me. I'm the fossil and you're the teen hunk, and the fossil automatically wins. SO THERE! :-P
Your friend and the Codeman's
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