After arriving home, I showered again - another reminder of how fucked my body was getting. Just a few weeks ago, like when I was in Joburg, I was a major head-turner. I'd worked my guts out on the yacht and I was fine. Fingers was all over me like a rash. Mind you, I was all over him like a rash, too. :) Even Mark let me sleep with him in his bed. But now? Now I was deteriorating fast.
South Africa
Part 17
I searched the fridge for leftovers, and had them for dinner. Then I got on the comp and checked for mail. Gary again. If he'd been in the house, he would've been lurking behind every cupboard door I opened hahahaha! Popping up everywhere. Boo!
"I enjoyed doing those graphics of Code. I don't really care if I look like shit in the stories [you're writing about me] or whatever, although I'm surprised you think it's even good enough to write about. Basically, it's just the way I am anyway. I get told all the time about how fucked up I am."
I phoned Bruce at 4 this morning. He was really pissed off with me. "Do you realize what fucking time it is?"
"I'm starting to shake like a fucking leaf, Bruce. I'm starting to get really fucked up!"
"I'm not supplying you, Steve."
"Why? I can't do it [quit] yet. I'm fucking desperate! Maybe it's all that vitamin shit you gave me over the weekend."
"You can't fucking do it, Steve. Just hang in there for fuck sake!"
"If you don't get your cunt ass over here right now I'll phone them [the dealers] and they'll bring me as much as I want."
"You know what they'll do to you?"
"I'm feeling fucked up sick, and I need something right fucking now or I'll never speak to you again. Fuck it! Don't worry about it. I'm going to phone them."
"I'm coming over."
I met Bruce out on the road because I didn't want my folks or anybody else in the house waking up. He handed me two small envelopes. "You've been crying," I said as I took the packages.
"I've marked the one containing the vitamin B comp tabs, Steve. The crack's in the other one. No needles."
"Thanks. I'm gonna smoke it."
"It's the H that's causing the problem. That stuff [the crack] is not gonna help you. Take the B, Steve. Please! You fucking know what's gonna happen."
"So get me some fucking heroin, then. I'm feeling sick, and I'm shaking. My stomach feels like it's twisting into a million fucking knots. You don't know what fucking pain this is, Bruce. It's fucking unbearable!"
"Just take the B."
I walked back inside as he drove off. Then I sat in my room, staring at the fucking envelopes for ages. I got sick again, and my stomach started cramping so bad that I had to put my pillow in my mouth to stop people from hearing me scream. Scream, Gary, scream! You getting the fucking message here? Every muscle was cramping up, and my bed was soaked in sweat. I think I actually passed out from the fucking pain.
I was fine when I woke up, but still feeling a bit sick in the stomach. I've been taking the B tabs. But I cannot go through another night like this, Gary. I'm sorry, but if it happens again, I cannot handle that kind of pain and nausea. It's not a standard fucking hangover I'm talking about. Ever had a leg cramp while you're sleeping? Like in your calf muscle? Well, imagine your whole fucking body going through that, and your stomach cramping into knots. Then the blinding headaches start.
I'M NO FUCKING HERO. I CANNOT HANDLE PAIN!
No, I'm not gonna smoke it now. I'm fine now. I might be fine tomorrow. I might be fine the next day. I just need the crack here in case [the pain returns]. I'm sorry if you're disappointed. Join the fucking crowd.
Monday.
At the moment I'm feeling OK. I had a really cool weekend, and school was OK today. I'm sweating a lot, and still feeling nauseous. Hope this whole mail makes sense cos I've like written pieces of it at different times during the night, and moved pieces around. I'm just really tired right now. I'm going to sleep, and maybe sleep right through. Got mail today from a guy called Spencer who had a friend who was a druggie. I answered his mail, but I don't get a lot of mail to deal with.
Your friend and Code's
Steve
January 30
Hi Gary
So how's it going? Oh, yeah, I'm fine. Still shaking and not sleeping, and still getting sick, but, hey, whatever. I'm still alive, hey. So want to know what I did yesterday?
There's this little lightie friend of Wingnut by the name of Jason. You wrote about Jason in the Wingnut story. They're on the school swim team. Sean told me that it's Jason who's been phoning me and calling me a coke head. They [his friends] dared him to do it once, but then he just got carried away with it. Monday night, he phoned and went through his fucking routine with all his fucked up friends laughing in the background, and I thought it was Wingnut. So I decided to phone Wingnut and tell him to fucking stop [harassing me]. His mom answered the phone and said he was with Sean. So I phoned Sean, and when I asked about Wingnut he said that Wingnut didn't want to speak to me.
"Then give Wingnut a message. Tell him to stop phoning me and harassing me."
"It's not Wingnut. It's Jason who's been phoning you."
When I got home from school yesterday, it was like they [the lighties] were watching me. So I got another call. CRACK HEAD! HEHEHEHEHEHE! I went down to the beach and saw Wingnut and his grommet buds in the surf. I still can't get out there [in the surf] - not yet, anyway. So I waited for them on the sand, and when they came out of the water, I asked Wingnut who Jason was, but he fucking ignored me and walked away like I was the fucking invisible man.
Then this fucking Wingnut clone walked up to me and told me that he was Jason. "What's the prob?" he asked. I fucking slapped him so hard that he started bawling right away. My hand stung, but it felt fucking great. Even better was the nick on his fucking cheek - it was open and red.
"Don't fuck with me [again] or you'll feel more pain than you can handle, lightie."
Scored more [bad] points with Wingnut, though. He started cussing and telling me to watch my back.
Sean phoned me last night. Wow! All of a sudden an ally in their group! He told me that Jason's got an older bro who might come looking for me.
"So tell me how this whole thing got started."
"It was Wingnut who got all the guys amped and ready to fuck with you. But then Wingnut chickened out when the first call was made."
So, Gary, there's another fucking hero for you. You know what the worst is, Gary? I can't get Wingnut out of my head. I jack off thinking about him all the time. I need to get over him or I'll go fucking insane. I think your thing about him thinking that I'm a hero is fucking wishful.
This morning I went for a run. Can you believe that? It wasn't a great run, and my legs were fucked at the end of it - and so was I. It was pretty slow but it felt good. Got into some situps and pushups as well, and pushed some weights. Trying to build my biceps up again. Want to get perfect bicep balls like I used to have - and like Wingnut's. I just get tired so quickly, though, cos I'm getting fuckall sleep, and I'm taking all this vitamin B. Now I get the B from the pharmacy myself.
My erections are back to normal, which I'm pretty chuffed about. I've also ordered a boxing bag and gloves on my dad's account. Fuck him. If he's not happy he can return it after it gets here. I figure it's good exercise and could be fun. Anyway, considering the amount of shit that I seem to be permanently in now, it might be a good idea to be fighting fit. Yeah! Bring on Jason's older bro! C'mon, c'mon! Hahahaha! Hey, I didn't even know the little fuck had an older bro. If I had, I might've left him alone. So you see what a chickenshit I am for a hero? Fucking hell, when I heard that Code was coming over to fuck me up [after I'd bonked Steph a year or so ago], I phoned every friend in my book to back me up. All I wanted back then was for him to be damaged enough not to come near me. Ended up having to do the job myself, though.
Sean should've told me about Jason's older bro before I did what I did. Anyway, maybe he's a skinny dude and won't want to mess with the hero hahahahaha!
Oh, did I tell you the really great news? My dad actually asked me if I was OK the other day. How wild fuck is that? I think he took one look at how fucked I was and couldn't get out of there quickly enough. Hahahahahaha! What a fucking loser!!!!!!!!
Oh, if you're wondering about the crack in my closet, it's still there. Bruce said he'll buy it back. Hey, I haven't even paid for it yet. With what? Told him to fuck off and leave it where it is. He's still my bud, though, so there's at least one friend around. OK, so he's after my bod. Could be worse.
Mmmmm. So what else is happening? Not much, hey. Some school work. Not much, though. It's a fuckup. The juniors can't even earn some bucks doing my assignments for me [because I don't have the bucks].
Oh, my fuck, I'm so exhausted. My face looks like I've been on drugs hahahahahahahahaha! I can't sleep because I'm too scared. And when I try [to sleep] I lay there like a fucking zombie. Actually, with my brand new cockstand, I look more like a mummy. All stiff hahahahahahaha! I have fucking nightmares, and wake up in a cold sweat. So I manage to get a couple of hours. After that, I'm awake the whole time. Yeah, of course, Bruce has got something for that too. What kind of question is that? You know the answer. I don't know how long this is supposed to last. It's like a waking hell.
Just squashed a fly walking on my desk. S-Q-U-I-S-H! Poor fucker. But at least he's better off than me right now. So I guess you know that a fly with no wings is a walk, huh? And a fly with no wings and no legs is a raisin hahahahahaha!
Hey, what the fuck. If I'm gonna be awake all night then I'll keep everyone else awake. :) Guess you won't believe me if I tell you that I never ever got that badly trashed on drugs while Cody was there, huh? Oh, yeah, I snorted and smoked some, but never got this fucking bad ever with him around. It was more spacey. Then he'd give me what for. Smack! Take that! Smack! Take this! Nah, he wasn't really like that. He hated drugs, but he kind of handled my habit most times, I guess. He loved me too much. I wish I could turn back the clock. Shut the fuck up [Gary] and let me wish if I want to. It's just about all I've got at the moment - is to wish. S-wish! S-wish! Another fly. Hahahahaha! Oh, Jesus, I need to sleep so fucking badly. Zzzzzzzzzz hahahahaha! 3:30am. It's amazing how time flies. Flies! Get it? How time flies when you're having fun. Huh?
I just masturbated and thought I was going to shoot a bucket. But this thick gob of cum comes out and crawls down my prick like a snail doing some fucking ballet without his helmet on. Maybe I should've not used the pic of Wingnut to masturbate to. It's a curse, I tellya hahahahaha! He was so chuffed when we went to go see Lord of the Rings at the movies with me and Steph before Christmas. Raved about it afterwards.
Got mail from Kim H. Reckons I can call him if I feel like I want to speak to someone, and he'll call me back. We all know that's not gonna happen. It's cool that Kim wrote, but nope. Maybe Code would've done that but whoa! Right now I feel like having a good fucking cry, so I'm going to.
3:52am. Getting there slowly but surely. I've got this pic of your Wingnut buddy up on the side of this note. I'm not sure if you know that model Marcus Schenkenberg or something. That's the body Wingnut's got. The same fucking pecs as well. It's a fucking disgrace that a 14 year old can have a body like that. Mmmm. Can't really see his cock too well with the baggies on. Guess he's wearing briefs. :( So how come he hates me so much, Gary? I can understand if he's maybe angry or disappointed, but he openly fucking hates me right now. Why is that? When I saw his face at the beach - when he swore at me - I hated him right then as well. His neck muscles bulged and went red cos he was stressing so much. So why does Steph hate me? I did nothing to her. I don't hate him. I hate that he wants fuckall to do with me. I hate that it's like come down to all this shit. I HATE THAT CODY FUCKING LEFT ME LIKE HE DID. He didn't have to hitch a fucking ride. He could've called his dad for a fucking lift home. So that's the way to get back at me? "Hey, Steve! C'mon, it's gonna be a rave!" Yeah, Cody, you fucking cunt, look what you've done.
I read those emails you sent me, and they were really cool. So what now, Gary? Huh? I'm shaking like a fucking leaf here, and I need something badly. I'm not sleeping. The stuff in the closet? I can't take it [the crack] after all your fucking mail. It's a fucking conspiracy between you and Cody. Isn't it?
A pic of me? If I had to take one right now, and send it to you, your mail [to me] would dry up like a fucking lake in a desert. I look like fucking shit.
Mmmm. Wonder if the school's phoned my folks yet? Maybe. Maybe my folks are just gonna have me arrested when they get the chance. That would be cool for them, huh? Get me out of their fucking hair for a while. Not too bad being fucked by all those studs in the cells, and maybe getting my end [cock] into a crack or two hahahahaha! Maybe Jason's big bro - whoa! I'm shaking - will put me in hospital, and that would suit my folks as well. Nope, come to think of it, that would mean paying hospital bills, which would almost be like giving me money. Know where I got all the money from, Gary? Well, that's all dried up now. You fucking happy now? Hahahaha! Just pissing on your battery. So don't stress.
So why am I thinking about Jason's bro, anyway? If he's a skinny dude, then Wingnut will let him come. If he's a fucking Mark clone, Wingnut will stop him. So why worry? BRING HIM ON! Hahahahaha!
Wingnut would probably throw a party if this guy beat me up. Shut up, Steve, for fuck sake. The lightie was probably just pulling your fucking chain anyway. There's no need to worry about Jason's bro.
It's 6:45am now. I've just dozed off. Sorry about that. I'm awake now. BUT, I've gotta get ready for school. Thank fuck we don't wear uniforms. I can just put on some boardies and a top. Sorry about the top, Gary. I know you prefer me without one hahahahaha! You're obsessed with pecs. Don't go away. I'll be back later. But I might have an assignment, so... so I'll just save this [email] as another hidden file on my comp cos I know my dad checks what I've got on here. Imagine my dad seeing Egor with his jizz shooting out of his cock! Hahahahaha! Hey, where's Egor anyway? You didn't know I found your WorldBoys ID on one of the [Cody] files, huh? Code had good taste. He had a good tongue too. OK, OK. School. Cheers.
Back! Now I'm ready for another sleepless night. So you'd better be prepared to put up with my bullshit. Maybe I should spend the night with Bruce, then I could have something to write about. Maybe I should borrow one of his toys. :) He's got this auto masturbator that looks like a hairdryer. He wanted to use it on me the other day until I asked him if he thought my cock was dirty or something. :) But it looks like it could be quite a thrill. Mmmmmmmmmmmmm! No, fuck, I need to try and get some sleep, so let me send this [email] and try to sleep. I look like something out of a fucking zombie horror movie. Nah... they look cool compared to this.
Cheers,
Steve
You can see how Steve's mind is playing tricks on him. It gets worse before it gets better. I don't want you, the reader, to suffer the torment I did as I waited two or three days each week before hearing from him again. Everytime I replied to one of his emails, I was paranoid that I might be sending it into thin air - that something terrible might have happened. Thankfully, it didn't, and Steve managed to get on top of his depression. Meantime, in the next few chapters you'll read about Steve's hateful thoughts as he lashed out angrily at anything and anybody within reach, including me. But it's important that you know about the thought processes he suffered under duress in order to appreciate the enormity of his struggle, and his ultimate victory. I think the turning point - or one of them - was a confrontation we had about a week ago. I made a judgement about sending a not-so-diplomatic rocket up his ass. It was a risk. A big risk. But it worked out. So stick with the story despite Steve's insistence that his story is not worth writing about. What the fuck would he know? He's only a blonde surfer-god head-turning hunk hehehe. Seriously, he's more than that. Much more, as you'll discover. Do I love him? Yes. MrB
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