Hi Gary. It's Thursday 2am, and Bruce has just left here. He's the only person I can call right now. I have been doubled up over pain since about 4 yesterday afternoon. How's that? I managed to get about an hour's sleep! I was taking a swim when my stomach just fucked into such a bad cramp that I couldn't move. I was sweating like it was 90 degrees in a pool of cold fucking water. Hahahaha! Thought that Cody was calling me up there a bit earlier than I'd planned. I don't know how, but I managed to get to the pool steps, and I was laying doubled over on the side of the pool in such fucking agony.
When it eased up, I went and phoned Bruce. Told him what was happening. He said that he had nothing to help me with, so I told him if he wasn't here in half an hour with something, I was going to smoke the whole crack stash, and he could live with that on his conscience. I was fucking mad as hell!
Right now, my gut feels like it's been hit by a sledgehammer. Anyway, Bruce arrived on time. :) He was in a total spin. He found me folded over in the shower, with the cold water running. I was still in my Speedos from swimming - or trying to - in the pool, and still in total fucking agony. Those dealer guys - when they injected me - must've known I was going to be suffering like this. Low-life assholes.
Bruce was in a spin because he had to cancel a deal, so I guess I've done my bit for the day, except maybe land him in a lot of crap. Anyway, he wouldn't leave me 'til he was satisfied that I was OK. While he was here, he took a phone call for me from Sean, who asked if I could meet him at the beach tomorrow cos Jason wanted to say that he was sorry [for calling me a crack head on the phone]. So maybe I've smacked Jason's brains back into shape or something.
Every now and then, Bruce would say OK, so I need to take your temperature. Then he'd shove his cock into my mouth hahahaha! He had me in fucking hysterics, which just made my stomach worse, the cunt. He wasn't wanting me to blow him, but he was feeling kind, so he just poked his cock into my mouth for a few seconds, then withdrew it, grinning like a Cheshire cat. What am I saying? Of course he wanted me to blow him! He should've been my mother... he is so fucking nice, not to mention hunky. :)
I've got to try to do some school work, so let me get going with that. I can't even concentrate in class, I'm so fucking knackered.
4:00am. I dozed doing school work, so I've had about a half hour of really deep sleep, and I'm feeling OK. So you're picturing me sitting here at my desk, and wondering what the fuck I'm wearing, huh? Gray fleecy gym shorts. No, I'm not hard. :( That would be too kinky - getting an erection from a school text book.
I remember one time when Cody was writing you an email, and I crawled under his desk, and pulled his shorts down. Then I started to suck his cock. He was giggling like crazy, and threatened to tell you what I was doing, but he wouldn't let me see his note to you. I need Cody to do that to me now. Oops! Hello woody!!!! Hahahaha! Are you paying attention, Gary?
I wonder if Wingnut isn't behind this meeting [with Jason] tomorrow. Maybe he wants to sort things out [with me]. That would be pretty fucking cool. But he'll take one look at me and run for the fucking hills.
Read your Best Friend mail to Cody on your site, and you had me crying. I thought I should've gotten over his being gone by now. You know... like at least I can remember knowing him, and how we got along together, but I can't get over him at all. I miss not having him to rock over here, and to rap.
I'm going to lie down for a while. I really need to try and get some shuteye. Bruce phoned earlier to say that he'd give me a lift to school, so I'll carry on with this [email] l8r alligator.
10:41pm. I was laying in the dark for a while, just trying to think exactly when the first time was that I first got wasted, and I can't remember. I've tried to justify everything that I've ever done in my life, and I can't do that either. I've tried to figure out why when I had such a good friend, I fucked him over like I did, and the only reason I could think of is cos I'm fucking selfish - and I was spoilt by the money I got from selling [drugs].
I'm laying here wondering. Yes, I'm fucking wondering, so shut the fuck up. I'm wondering why you're trying to make a fucking hero out of me. I've tried to think of just one thing in my whole entire fucking life that I did for someone else when I wasn't thinking of me, and I'm not finding any fucking answers here, Gary. Now I wonder for fuck sake why do I write all this stuff to you? And that's just fucking selfish as well. It's not for you or because of Cody, it's because I can fucking write. That's fucking all.
I'll tell you about fucking heroes, Gary, and then you can draw your own fucking conclusions. I was so so so so so amped for this meeting on the beach [with Jason]. When I got there, I saw all the guys in the water. I was so fucking nervous cos I wanted to make things right with Wingnut. I figured if Jason wanted to say he was sorry, then Wingnut would've known why I'd smacked him.
They came out of the water in their group. Then two guys, who'd been sitting on the beach watching the grommets, approached me. One - who I found out later was Jason's older bro, Craig - was wearing a sleeveless muscle top, and I could see that this fucker was a dude who pushed iron.
"Are you Steve?"
"Why did you fuck with my baby bro?"
I tried to tell him, but Wingnut, Sean, and that little cunt Jason were standing there, watching. Wingnut could've told Craig what was going on for fuck sake. But no.
Craig pushed me and said, "Maybe you want to smack somebody your own size."
"I don't want to fight you. OK?"
"Why?" he snarled. "Chicken?"
"'Cause I don't have a beef with you."
Then he smacked me so hard he sent my fucking head sideways, and stinging like fuck. "Got a beef with me now?"
"Look, I'm not going to fight you. No way."
By then, there was a crowd gathering to have a fucking gawk at what was happening. Wingnut and those other two cunts were watching. Then Craig pushed me again. "You only pick on lighties? Come on fucker, I want to smack you like you smacked my baby brother." He pushed me again.
I lost it, and took a swing at him. But he was waiting for that. He wound up a swing, and rammed his fist in an arc into my stomach. I just saw fucking lights, and held onto his arm, or I would've hit the deck with my face. He reacted by pulling his arm away, and hitting me with his other hand. I could feel the cut on my cheek as I crumbled to the sand on my knees.
"Get up, you fucking bully!" he ordered. His bud - who was with him - pulled him away, but he was raring like all fucking hell to do a lot more damage.
Thank you bud, whoever the fuck you are.
When I began to struggle to my feet, Wingnut was standing there, staring at me. He had tears in his eyes, and just shook his head. He waited 'til I was fully upright, then picked up his stick and walked away.
So why the fuck did he have tears in his eyes, Gary? He had the answers, and he could've spoken up [to Craig] or done something. So he was in on the fucking setup as well? If I see Sean again I'll nail the little cunt, big brother or not. Sean phoned me later just to let me know how much he enjoyed seeing me laying on the fucking deck. Little fucking lightie or not - and he's not that fucking little - neither is Wingnut, who could do with a fucking hiding right now as well.
Thought I might need stitches on my cheek, but it was more blood than anything cos he caught me on the cheekbone. I feel like I've been run over by a truck. So come on, Gary. You're so good at justifying things. Justify why I was taken out by this guy. Cody would have done EX-FUCKING-ZACTLY the same thing [to me] if he'd been in Craig's shoes. Why did Wingnut, of all fucking people, help set me up? I was so amped that we could be friends again. I was already making plans for us to surf together, and he could maybe just be with me while I built up my fitness again, and lost the paranoia.
So I'm gonna get a hand-drawn birthday card from Wingnut like he used to make for Cody? Oh, yeah, I can see it now. Happy Birthday Acid Head! Stay out of my life forever!
Don't stop reading now, Gary. Fuck, I've still got all night to go, and it's only 00:21 on my clock here. So you think I should've laid into this Craig cunt before he got the chance to do anything? Seriously, do I let this whole thing lay down now or what?
Dear Diary, why am I so uncool? I hope you start getting hate mail for the Steve story. How fucking cool would that be, huh? Then I can write them and give them a real fucking reason [to hate me]. Hmmm. Had to just change the light bulb cos it blew. Hahahaha! Everything is getting stuffed up!
ballshurtfuckpushshovecumecstacypainlove thats it, Gary.
It must be lust. Cody was right. I'm a boy slut. AND REVELATION! I get off on fucking pain. I've been staring at the comp and wondering what it is that gets me into so much crap, and it's [gotta be] the pain. Even with that guy [Craig] hitting me - although it hurt - I got off on it. Would've gotten off even more if it was me who hurt him. Why did I hurt Wingnut then? Because I wanted to fucking see him in pain. Right? That's it. It's the only fucking answer. Why did Cody and me fight so much? I think it was me that always started it cos I wanted to feel pain, and dish it out. That's something for your story, Gary. You can tell everyone how I used to hurt Cody just to get off on his pain. That must be why I fucked Steph. To hurt him. I'm a fucking monster. I need some sleep. My mind is fucking racing on a track to nowhere.
1:27 - 3:11. Dozed for a while but couldn't sleep. This is worse than the downers, this not being able to sleep. The nightmares get to me. I see Cody hurt and battered; in pain and screaming for to me help him. But I can't get there in time. I'm running in thick syrupy liquid that sucks at my feet and legs. When our hands almost touch, he falls into this black pit with his face in total pain, and screaming my name. And there's fuckall I can do to help him. Then I sit up in a cold sweat and burning hot. I can't handle the dreams. I can't believe I just wrote all that stuff up there, Gary. What was I thinking? I could just erase it all but I won't cos I want you to see what type of megolomaniac you're deal with. Hahahahaha! I'm schizo. YEAH SO AM I HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Ah fuck!
Oh, here's this pic of Wingnut again. That's what I have now. A pic of one of the most beautiful boys in the universe. I've lost them all, Gary. I lost them when I lost Cody. I lost them when I lost myself. I can write down here how bad I feel, but it would all be words on paper and nothing else. I could go for a swim cos I feel so fucking burning up inside, and I could swim until my arms can't hold me anymore, and I won't even feel the water cover my head. And it would be over, and the pain would be gone. Hey, there's the crack in my closet. I would feel OK in seconds. One hit and I'll be in fucking heaven. Shut the fuck up [Gary]! I'm not going to smoke it. Not yet. You've gone and told all those fucking people that I'm beating this thing but I'm not! How could you do that?
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