Hi Gary. Besides my stomach feeling like it's been hit by a sledgehammer after our games at Bruce's place this morning, things are going OK. I met his new boyfriend as well. OH - MY FUCK!!! :)
There's such a lot that's happened in the last 24 hours. Late yesterday afternoon, I showered and put on my beige chinos, which fitted snug and showed off my butt :) - with a dark blue, short sleeve, button up shirt. My chinos don't hang around my ankles. They're smart, and belt around my waist. Sprayed some Blue Stratos deodorant under my arms and on my chest and stomach. Yes, hahaha, before putting on my shirt. Put on my only pair of black leather shoes. Made sure my hair was tidy. The bruise on my cheek is hardly noticeable, and the cut is healing. Looked pretty snazz even if I say so myself.
"I'm visualizing it all... 'specially the Blue Stratos and the chest bit."
You're a fucking hopeless case, Gary. Anyway, I was so nervous you won't believe it. Took a box of chocolates that I'd bought, then rocked up to Cody's house. Mr T met me at the door, and I could see he was OK impressed. :)
"Hi, Steve," he smiled as we shook hands. "Come on in. Mrs T's in the kitchen."
Besides being nervous, my heart was so fucking heavy. The house hadn't changed. It was Cody's house. Cody's mom beamed when she saw me, and I gave her the chocolates. I got an affectionate peck on the cheek in return, then she asked me if I'd thought we were having a formal dinner cos I looked so smart.
I followed Cody's dad through to the den, where my brain was instantly flooded with visions of me and Cody, and the history we'd had in this room. One of the first things I noticed was a range of pictures of Cody on the TV cabinet. One of them was a blow-up of him in his Speedos coming out of the water at night. I know you've got that pic, Gary - the one with his smiling face and laughing eyes.
My throat was sore from trying to restrain myself [from crying]. Luckily, Mr T got straight into the convo, and wanted to know how school was going, and if I'd been down to the surf again. I lied and told him I had. Then he wanted to find out about school sport. I answered honestly there - said that I didn't really take part cos surfing took up so much time. The convo was cool and relaxed. He could see my hands shaking like I needed a stiff drink, so he asked a few questions about the kind of shit I was on. "I haven't been on anything for a while." I guessed he figured that I was probably having serious withdrawals.
Then Mrs T joined us, and the convo got around to Mark, and my trip to Joburg. She asked how he was doing, and stuff about the yacht. Mark was like a son to them, too.
Supper was roast lamb with veg and potatoes, and was delicious! Code always said that his mom was a great cook, and he was right.
"So why haven't we seen you around lately, Steve?" she asked.
It wasn't a question I could answer - or was prepared to answer - right then, so I made some of the lamest excuses I've ever made in my life. I could sense that Cody's dad understood, though. He knew I was inventing all that crap as I went along. Meantime, I couldn't help wondering if Mrs T was giving me the eye like she used to give Mark. :) She was a good looking woman; something Cody was aware and proud of.
Both Mr and Mrs T made me feel completely at home. That was always their style. They treated all Code's friends like family.
After supper, Mr T said that I could have a look at Cody's room if I wanted. Mrs T was stacking the dishes as I walked out of the kitchen, then down the hall that led to the Codeman's room. It was Cody's Pad. I turned on the light, and everything was there exactly as Cody had seen it with his own eyes the night he went out [to party with his work buddies]. It [his room] had obviously been kept clean, but every little thing was in its place. My eyes filled with tears right away. The books and magazines. His poster [of Endless Summer]. His wetsuit was hanging next to his surfboard. I ran my fingers along the smooth glass of the board. The last coating of wax that he'd put there was still there. The tears were running freely down my face, and my chest was heaving. "Damn you, Cody!" I could picture that board flying through the surf with him on it, and his feet moving as he changed tactics or direction. His hand hitting the inside of the wave as he turned sharply to line up or cut back. His arms in the air, and him raving after having had a good ride.
There's a picture stuck to his wardrobe door that he got from you, Gary.
"I've never given him a wardrobe door."
Jeeeeez! Anyway, it's a pic of a Cody lookalike surfing; taken from the air - probably a chopper - and underneath the pic the caption reads CodyHero.
"Cody fucking hero."
"It's almost like you can smell him, huh?"
I recognized the young voice straight away. It was Wingnut. I turned to face him. He was wearing a pair of brown cargo shorts that hung below his knees, and a red fleecy top. I was too choked up to even speak. So Wingnut continued: "It's like he's here but invisible. He'd dig it to see you here now. I know that for a fact."
I just broke down completely, then sobbed with my arms hanging like dead weights at my sides, unable to stop the flow of tears. Wingnut walked up and stood behind me.
"Hey, I'm sorry," he said softly.
I turned to face him again, and saw that his eyes were watery. I could tell that he was wanting to make a move to hug me, so I grabbed him and hugged him so damn hard. Somewhere through the tears, I managed to tell him how much I loved him and missed him. I didn't know how long we were standing there like that, but eventually the tears stopped and we drew apart. For a few moments, the situation was a bit uncomfortable. We didn't quite know what to say. Then Wingnut spoke first.
"I didn't know that it would be that uncool. I didn't know that you'd been trying so hard [to quit the drugs]. I don't think Cody would have dug what I was doing [harassing you and ignoring you]. I'm not going with Steph. It was just another way to get under your skin. That was sooooo not good."
Mr & Mrs T popped into the doorway to say that dessert and drinks were ready outside by the pool. I dried my face as best I could, and so did Wingnut. Then, for no apparent reason, he cracked up laughing, and caused me to giggle as well.
The remainder of the evening was fantastic. I managed to relax a lot more, and we spoke about so many different things that, for the most part, I can't even remember them now. It was like all unreal and in a haze. A Cody haze. But it was totally magic, like he was there with us.
When it was time for me to go, Wingnut said he had to go as well, so we managed to speak for a few minutes outside in the street.
"I'm sorry about what I did, Steve. I was being a right jerk."
"Do you know how happy I am right now?"
"Fuck you, Wingnut, you know how I've missed you and hated you for what was happening cos I couldn't tell you anything [about the shit I was going through]. I so badly wanted to beat you up and see you hurt."
"Cody's dad's a snitch. He told me all about it - at least what he knew." The grommet held up his arms to show off his biceps, which popped into two perfect balls. "Dunno about beating me up, though. I'm into boxing training at school."
"Want to hit the surf sometime?"
"I just gotta sort things out with the guys first. I hope you can handle that."
"That's cool," I said despite my heart sinking like the Titanic. "I'd like us to be buds again."
"I'd like that too."
"We've got some catching up to do, huh?"
"What will your friends think?"
"What they wanna [think], I guess. Hey, I've gotta get. Still got some homework to do."
"How did you know I was at Cody's?"
"Cody's dad told me you were coming. Wanted me to come for supper, but I wasn't sure about us being friends again."
"So what made you come over?"
"Hey! You were in my room! I saw the light come on while I was doing my homework." He turned to look at Cody's house for a moment, then offered to walk with me a ways. It was like he was hearing the Codeman's voice or something - telling the grommet to go easy on me.
When we got to the end of the road, he gave me a quick hug. For those wonderful few seconds, I enjoyed feeling of every muscle ripple through his top, and his strong shoulders and arms around me. Wingnut's body is rock hard. Difficult to describe, Gary, but each muscle is like a stone under his skin - probably from all the surfing and the boxing training.
When I carried on walking home, he stood there for a while watching me. He gave me a wave before heading back to his house. I hoped he was feeling as good as I was. Woohoo!
I was on such a damn high when I arrived home! Got undressed, then opened my closet to hang up my chinos. I look after those cos they fit me so damn well. Then I noticed my stuff on the shelf - the strap, the needle, and other bits and pieces - just the way I'd left them before going to Cody's. This battle was going to get even harder now.
I picked up the phone and called Bruce. "I'm checking to see if tomorrow's still happening."
He just laughed. "So you want to chicken out, huh? Can't handle the pain? Damn... and I was so fucking ready to torture you. My other friend is coming around as well. So what's the fucking story now, Steve? You coming tomorrow or not?"
"Chicken out? Bullshit! I'll be there. I promised, didn't I?"
I went to bed, and rolled a condom onto my cock. Then I jacked off and filled the fucking thing. I was thinking about Wingnut the whole damn time, and how it felt having him up close to me - and his smell. Slept like a baby after that.
Bruce collected me early Friday morning, and we drove straight to his place. He was about as excited as someone who'd just won the lottery. And me? I was in such a good mood from being at Cody's place, and seeing Wingnut, that nothing was going to spoil it. I didn't share the news with Bruce, though.
I'm not gonna tell you the story about what went on at Bruce's, Gary. I don't think you'd dig it much. The one thing you're not gonna dig is that I enjoyed it - maybe more than I should have.
So where to now? First off, starting over with Wingnut. He's all I've been thinking about. He's changed as well. Almost like he's grown up quite a bit. Still got that mischievous look in his eyes, but he's fucking beautiful.
The stuff [drugs] is all still here [in the closet] in case you're sighing cos I might have given it to Bruce. I'm not going to use it now, but you need to know why it has to stay there. At least for the moment. Will I use it sometime? I can't answer you. The H? After this trip [with Cody's folks and Wingnut] I've just been on, I don't think I'd be able to handle the downers again. But... I can't answer what you're thinking right now. It's hard, Gary. I hope you understand.
Wingnut having to clear things with his friends before he's prepared to hang with me again? I could've lost my rag when he told me that, but I didn't.
Sometime I'll send you a pic taken of me when I was about Wingnut's age - but only from the nose down. How come you're so into noses anyway? Yes, I am paranoid about my pics, and being found out. Anyway, you'd be disappointed if you saw me now. I was a spunky fucking lighty, though, and had my first fuck around then - with one of my best friends' moms. But then I got fucked up by him cos... typical... I went and boasted about it. My first fuck and my first time being fucked up hahahahahaha! We're still friends, though... well, kind of, but he doesn't allow me at his house anymore. Scared I'm going to give him a little brother.
You pissed me off badly with that email you sent on Thursday morning, Gary [the one with the reference to my dad]. I want you to know that.
"Yeah, but you stopped pissing on my battery, and virtually told me that you loved and needed me, and I needed to know that. You're my only link to the Codeman too, y'know. Besides, I think you're scrumptious. :)"
Before last night, I didn't have a lot to live for. But deep fucking down, I had the corro [email] with you, and it was allowing me to offload everything. I was feeling like I was on a psycho's couch, and could say anything I wanted. But those psychos know fuck all. Went to one once when I was 13. I was caught with coke, and my folks figured this old fuck [the psycho] could sort me out. He was an old guy with fucking glasses. I was fucking terrified, and didn't do anything while he stroked me into a hardon, and tried to convince me that I didn't have a problem. I ended up jizzing in my pants, and was so fucking embarrassed while he got off on my heavy breathing.
Went home like that, and had to wash my own briefs and pants before my mom could find it. Never told my folks because they wouldn't have believed me. And the worst was that I often wondered if I enjoyed it or not. Never went back to that fuck again.
So, what's that, Gary? Having supper with Code's folks last night, and seeing Wingnut again? First rung? I wish I could tell you that everything is OK, and that I'll be a right fucking saint. But I'd be a fucking liar if I did that. I've never asked anyone for much, but right now... Fuck knows. You've gotten me this far. You and the Codeman. I'm no hero, but I want to be just a little decent.
Your friend and the Codeman's
It's worth pasting Spencer's latest email to me [February 18, 2002] here. I'll also forward it to Steve in case he's not reading his own story. Maybe it's too painful for him to relive the horror, even for the sake of the good times. Anyway, this is what Spencer - the sweet and lovable guy that he is - wrote me:
How ya doin? I just read then reread the latest Steve chapters posted today [21 & 22]. This love/hate syndrome you describe is exactly what I went through with Willie during his rehab group counseling sessions. He would say, no scream is more like it, "I HATE YOU YOU MOTHER FUCKER, GET OUT OF MY LIFE" and at the end of the session would be hugging me saying how much he loved me. All the group participants went through the same stuff so it was an emotional rollercoaster for sure. I came so close to quitting a couple of times but musta liked the abuse. Actually I did get off screaming back at him with the same shit. The one time Marc went to the session Willie screamed at both of us "YOU TWO HAVE EACH OTHER TO FUCK THE SHIT OUTTA AND I GOT NOBODY THAT EVEN CARES" We were mortified, as you can well imagine, with a room full of strangers. Parents too. Marc just calmly answered "that's because no one likes you" and walked out. I just wanted to die. Marc never went back even when Willie asked him back to apologize.
So anyway, I can see the parallels between Willie and what Steve is goin through now. Uncaring parents, no buds that really care. Ya know, if Steve did get into rehab these group sessions are a requirement, and who could Steve get to go with him? Who would put up with the shit, especially the sexuality stuff that would come out? Steve is gonna have to come to terms with himself or he ain't gonna get better. "Hey, I'm gay OK"?
So hang in there MrB. You're makin a big difference in the dude's life and he's got nobody else now. That's what my dad said when I wanted to quit Willie's sessions. If I had known how things were gonna turn out in the end between me and Willie [as buds and lovers], I would never have considered quitting. You got an advantage with email cuz you can choose your words. Face to face you sorta fly off the handle at times.
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