South Africa
Part 29

I stuck a bit of a rocket up Steve's ass in this reply to his last email. Not sure if I went too far. Maybe I did. Anyway, we'll soon find out. MrB

> Hi Gary. Hahahaha thats the weather Im talking about.

G'day Steve,

Yeah, right. You could be in Antarctica and you'd still be hot. Yep, you've got me by the short and curlies. I'm madly in love with you. Your words have revealed so much about you over the past few months, and I reckon I know you better than anybody 'cept for my readers. :)

I think what you did with Steph was a fine thing. It may seem like a small step but it was a major one. At least she knows now that you're trying. But it's like Mark said - rebuilding trust takes time.

What I really wanna talk about is you and Wingnut, and your fear of his not returning everytime he leaves your house. If you allow those negative thoughts to gain root in your mind, you can be sure he won't return. He knows how much you love him - you've told him so. But if your love for him becomes overwhelming, and he feels unable to return it, he'll back off.

I know how you're feeling, Steve. It's pretty much the same as my situation with Cody. I loved him more than anyone, but when, for whatever reason, he hadn't mailed me for a week or more, I'd become paranoid. But I'd resist the temptation to put pressure on him. His image of me was the old man from across the sea, sitting on his front verandah waiting patiently for Cody to return. Well, I wasn't all that patient, but I didn't wanna become a burden. Cody wrote to me cos he wanted to, not cos he had to. He had a full life, of which I was a part, and I had to be content with that part or lose it altogether. I apply that same thinking to you. You've become the best friend I've got, and I don't wanna hassle you.

So how do you handle the Wingnut situation? Pretty much like you are already. Bruce is your friend, and I think Steph will eventually return to the fold. The more friends you make of that calibre, the more able you'll be to put your relationship with Wingnut in proper perspective. Cody and Wingnut were as thick as thieves, but they each had their own lives outside of their friendship. There was no pressure, no possessiveness. When they were together, they were together cos they wanted to be. And when they were apart, they were filling their time with other friends and other pursuits. Neither of them felt "owned".

By your own admission, you've allowed jealousy and paranoia to take root plenty of times in the past, so you should be an expert at recognizing the symptoms. I have two words I use everytime a negative thought enters my mind. Fuck off! And I keep saying them over and over and over again until the negative thought gets the message. Pretty soon, the negative thought gives up, and doesn't bother me anymore.

Before I met Code, and was on a serious downer with my life falling apart, I would get odd jobs doing voice overs for TV ads or whatever. My self-esteem was so low, my throat would jam half way through a 30-seconder, and I'd have to swallow. One time, the girl panel operator on the other side of the glass looked at me like I was crazy or something. I asked her if she could join the two halves of the ad together. Nope. So the harder I tried, the worse I got. Pretty soon, the word around town was that I was washed up. Finished. They believed it and so did I. On the way to the studio, that negative voice in my head would begin telling me that I wouldn't get through the 30-seconder. It took control. And the more power it got, the more I believed it. I'm sure you can identify with that experience, Steve.

So now when that voice pipes up, I tell it to fuck off until it does. But that's not all I do. I keep myself busy. That's how I survived the long periods when Cody would not write for whatever reason. Then, outa the blue, he'd mail me and tell me he'd been taking some tourists on a surfing tour or something like that.

For some inexplicable reason, humans tend to think the worst, not only of others but also of themselves. It's like we're programmed to self destruct. I'd be on air and get a bunch of calls to say they loved the show, and one call to say he hated the show. Which of the calls do you think occupied my mind all day? It's the same now. Once in a while I'll get some prick telling me that I can't write to save myself. So what am I gonna do? Let him spoil my day? No way, Jose. Been there, done that. :)

Not so long ago, you were convinced that you were the most despised person on the planet, so much so you despised yourself. Then you went out and found a fossil. And from there, you've slowly but surely risen from the ashes. It's only a matter of time before you're strutting your stuff again.

You said that punching the bag on your own wasn't the same as having Wingnut there. True. So what are your options? You've got three, and one of those three is to punch the bag when Wingnut is not there. What will that prove? It'll prove to Wingnut, and to yourself, that you can be independent, that you can be strong. Y'know something, Stevie Wonder? You've been doing a lotta leaning on people lately. So how about you do them a fav and let them lean on you sometimes? Other people need someone to lean on too. Steph falls into that category at the mo. But you're telling her that you wanna lean on her instead of telling her that she can lean on you. Lean on you? Ha! What a fucking joke! Lean on Steve? He'd collapse under the weight. Is that true, Steve? Are you a taker and not a giver? Are you so focused on your own probs that you can't see the probs of others?

Here's the deal hehe. I want you to be strong. People admire strength. People are attracted to strength. Wingnut and Steph will be attracted to your strength. The gym will give you physical strength. Exercising your mind will give you mental strength, and the way to exercise your mind is to think positive thoughts until it becomes as natural as riding a wave.

We've already discussed the fact that you've been looking for love all your life. But what is love? You've been confusing love and sex, and I don't blame you. Since you were a grommet, you've been complimented by a stack of peeps who fell in love with your bod. Ah! So that's what love is? You were seduced into believing your own publicity. Well, it's time you gave all those peeps something else to fall in love with - your character and inner strength. Make no mistake my scrumptious friend, they can be exercised and developed just like your muscles can. Hey, check out this fossil! My throat doesn't jam anymore. I'm strong. And when I think about all those fuckwits who discarded me, I laugh at them. Poor dears. Wouldn't know their ass from their elbow.

Yep, I can see you now. Tall, strong and dependable, with Wingnut thinking you're totally fucking awesome, and being proud to be your friend. Hello? Do I hear that little negative voice in your head, Steve? What's it saying? That Gary's fulla shit? Make a choice, Steve. Listen to it or listen to me. Your call.

Francois emailed me this morning. He was totally chuffed that you'd answered his note, even with just a few lines. You've got a lotta fans out there, my friend. They're already fans of the Codeman, Wingnut and Mark, so you're like family to them, as well as to me. BTW, I'm about two inches shorter than you, and a few pounds lighter, but I think your bod is a little better arranged hehehe. Sigh. You're pretty bright, too. I can tell by the way you write. The written word truly bares the soul. I've bared mine for all the world to see, and left it to them to think whatever they want. Life's too short to be bothered with one's critics. Anyway, if you wanna know who your real friends are, bare your soul. That's what you've been doing, and with excellent results. :)

Is this email too long? Too fucking bad. Just shuddup and read the damn thing.

I love what you told me about Bruce - feeling loved and wanted. You said the same about Fingers. I have to shake my head when I think of all the sex you've had - more than most people would have in a lifetime - and yet all the while you were craving love. I'm having a blow-up doll made in my likeness [complete with hat] and I'll send it to you hehehe. Yeah, right.

You said to Steph that Wingnut was Cody. We're all Cody. You're Cody. But we're also who we are, so don't get confused. If I treated you as a Cody substitute instead of Steve, you'd get your nose all bent outa shape. Having said that, there's a lot about you that reminds me of Cody. And I feel close to Cody when you write me.

I hope you're keeping in touch with Mark and Code's folks. You owe them. They're interested in you too, y'know. And believe it or not, they need to lean on you as well.

It's the weekend, so you'll be up to your usual shenanigan tricks, I guess. Thanks a stack for the email. While I've been writing this reply, I've been downloading a zillion megs of my fav boyorgasm model Philip, so it's about time I got busy in the toy department. Code's pics are behind me on the mantle, and I'm sure he giggles his tits off watching this old dude making mad passionate love to a Kleenex. I could about face his pics, but I think he's omnipresent anyway. Cheeky bugger.

One more thing before I disgrace myself gawking at Philip. You once said that you couldn't understand why I wanted to write your story. Are you beginning to now? I think you are. You have new friends now, like Francois and Spencer and Brian, none of whom are lusting after your bod. They're leaving that to me hehehe. Nah. I wouldn't know what the fuck to do with it anyway. It'd scare me to death. I am lusting after your mind, though. :) And I'm very proud to be your friend.

Your friend and the Codeman's


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 Steve Part 30