Hi Gary. I kinda decided some time ago that I would write down all the stuff that happens [to me] and send you mail on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, and that would like keep you up to date with what's going on. So why am I writing today?
South Africa
Part 31
"You're madly in love with me?"
Just stuff in my head.
"Rats."
I never really wanted to write books and books about what's happening [in my life], but I enjoy writing, and that's one of the really great things with me and Cody. We used to enjoy writing stories, and we would argue about certain parts of them, and how things should turn out. But it was really cool.
Sometimes when I write stuff for myself I have to read it before deciding [whether or not] to send it to you, and ask [myself] if I'm gonna piss you off with it or what? Sometimes I wonder if I've got details in there that shouldn't be there, like when I write to you on a Friday and tell you that I'm going wherever [clubbing or partying].
It must sound sometimes like Cody affected the whole of Cape Town, and that the whole city is gay. But the fact is that even some of the stuff that happens with some of the guys is more like macho stuff. Like when guys jack around in a pub, and one might rub the other guy's crotch as a joke or something. I've seen it quite often.
I wasn't in the scene that I'm in now before I met Cody. Fact is, one of the first convos I had with Cody was when I asked him if he was gay, because of how he always used to look at me...
"Cody had terrible taste in guys."
Yeah, right. :-P Anyway, that was the first time he openly spoke to me about you, and some of the things you'd said to him. I told him I was convinced that I was gay because, from the day I met him, I'd jacked off thinking about him all the time and us [being] together.
Cody had never kissed a guy until I came along. At least that's what I think. I forced my tongue into his mouth. He kept his lips shut tight, but my tongue forced its way past them, and it took a while before I felt his tongue slowly come into my mouth. I don't know what made me do that, but I said to Cody that I was in love with him, and that, back then, I would never have said that to any guy for fuck sake. It's just that he made it so easy to do.
"Cody had fossilitis. And now you've got it too. I blame myself. Shame, shame."
Fuck, I've totally missed the point here. What I want to say is that besides one or two guys like Bruce and Krish who know about me, and obviously Wingnut and maybe also Steph, the scene is limited to the few people within my close circle of friends. I'm sure Mark and Fingers both think I'm more str8 than anything else. Mark knows that I loved Cody, but the love that guys had for Cody was very different to any gay thing you've ever come across. I don't want to go outside of that close circle. The more people that I connect with who find out about the real me makes the circle wider and bigger, and it spreads like a spider's web because people know people who know people who, in turn, will know me. Then the shit hits the fan, and I would not be able to deal with that. I just need you to understand that. Like connecting with Dale who has his own circle [of friends], and the circles are intertwined, and it eventually becomes a massive circle.
The other thing is I don't think I'd enjoy the whole gay scene as such. I've seen a few of them [gays] at parties, and young guys like 15 or 16. They carry on like fucking fairies, and you almost feel like you want to smack them for just being so over the fucking top.
The guys that I organized to beat up Mark that night [outside the club] wouldn't think twice about taking me out [beating me to a pulp] if they found out that I'd slept with Cody. They'd beat the shit out of me, then make sure that I never lived it down.
Wingnut came around [to my house] yesterday, and that was so fucking cool - at least for a while. We went with the boxing bag, then some sparring, and he hit the crap out of me. It's become like a control thing with him. He knows I want him, and he taunts me with it. Every time he'd hurt me, or I showed any sign of pain, he'd tell me that I fight like a girl, or how useless I am.
He did pay me one compliment, though. He said that he was quite impressed with the surf session I had the other day. He and the guys were watching me. Sean told Wingnut that I surfed like a grommet, so he told Sean to shut the fuck up. :)
"What is it with you and Sean, anyway?" I asked as we continued to spar. "He's like a real little prick."
"Don't start! Cody used to do that. Sean this and Sean that. You don't know him. He's cool."
Wingnut was beginning to become really aggro, and was getting a look of total fucking hate on his face as his gloved fists flew in my direction, while I tried my best to avoid them.
"I don't want to fight with you. Sean caused a lot of the shit between us, Wingnut."
"So now it's his fault that you were fucking slaughtered? Fuck you!" The grommet's aggro was getting worse, and I thought he might just up and leave.
"Whoa, boy! I'm sorry. OK? I didn't mean to bring it up."
Just after I'd said that, he hit me one helluva fucking shot that shook my fucking head. Then he must've dropped his guard for a second cos I shot him a punch on the cheek that brought tears to his eyes.
"Something in your eye?"
"Fuck off," he muttered before undoing the laces, then removing his gloves.
"What's the matter? [Am I] getting too good for you?"
"Shut the fuck up, Steve."
"So it's OK for me to get hit, but not you?"
"You didn't hit me that hard, and it was a lucky punch. I've just got to go, that's all."
"So I guess I shouldn't hit you any more cos then you'd want to split."
"Fuck you. I've gotta get [going]."
I grabbed him by the shoulders, and shook him. "You're not leaving here pissed off with me. OK? Because you're coming back here tomorrow so I can give you a real fucking hiding."
He shrugged my hands off his shoulders, and picked up his bag. His cheek was bright red where I'd connected him [with my glove]. Almost felt guilty about it, but I didn't. After he'd gone home, I had a real case of the downers again.
Last night I just did a couple of things for school, then went to bed.
Those pics [of the vase and pedestal] are pretty cool. [But] that pedestal would fall over with me on it. :) That's it.
Cheers
Your friend and the Codeman's
Steve
> Hi Gary.
G'day Steve,
Yep, writing is a great way to deal with "stuff in your head". Conversation is cool too, but it disappears into thin air, and you don't always get to say what you're actually thinking. The other great thing about writing is that you can be alone with your thoughts. You can "see" them, and build on them. One sentence leads to another. It's my fav mental exercise. :)
Your subject line [Bonus Email] reminds me of Code. He knew that I had an insatiable appetite for his mail, so he probably visualized the smile on my face when an unexpected mail arrived at my end. :)
So you're reading your email and sometimes editing it before sending to me? Tsk, tsk. Honesty is the best policy. I had to think twice about the stuff I wrote about myself yesterday - the gambling thing. But what the heck? This fossil comes with warts and all. Everytime we write each other, there's the potential to piss each other off. But if we let that worry us, the relationship is not reaching its full potential.
You taught Cody to tongue kiss? He was into it big time, and couldn't understand why I wasn't. But when I write stories, I have the ability to become that character, so my personal preferences don't interfere. Expressing love or affection is a very personal thing. For Cody it was covering you with chocolate hehehe. He called it "creative lovemaking", and it was cool with me. Cody was never boring, and neither are you. I'm the one who gets the prize for being boring. My ability to relate physically to other people is NIL. Lindsay wanted to give me a hug last night, and I fled.
I'm with you about the stereotypical gay scene. Fairies don't do anything for me at all - except the pink one I used to send to Cody to annoy him, and keep an eye on him. I'll have to get her to check you out as well. :) I lived and worked in Kings Cross for a while. Gays everywhere. And I worked in radio and TV for a long time. More gays than you could poke a stick at. But the guys who blew my hair back were guys like you and Code. Most of them were totally straight, and were chuffed about the attention they got from me. I was good for their egos and sense of masculinity. I'm not effeminate either, unless I kid around, which I often do. Even Lindsay mimicks me. He talks about din dins time and wee wees time hehehe. At my last job in radio, the boss's name was Noel. Beard, paunch, womanizer, 50s, you name it. But I used to call him Noeline, and it wasn't long before all the staff were calling him Noeline. He tolerated it, but only just. Actually, my nickname for years was Grace [after Grace Kelly, the actress].
I've discovered that a lot of bi guys are MrB readers. My site doesn't seem to attract stereotypical gays. But I understand completely your situation with Code, Wingnut, Mark, Bruce, etc. A small circle of friends who enjoy gay sex as well as straight sex but who are not interested in the gay lifestyle. My educated guess is that about 10% of the population indulges in gay sex at some time or other, but only a small percentage of that 10% are stereotypical gays. In other words, the vast majority is like you.
Dale? He doesn't give me the impression that he's stereotypical. Far from it. But even if he were, being a brown belt karate expert would quickly settle any disputes from homophobes. :) As for the gay bashers, we all know where they're coming from. People who happily accept their own sexuality have no reason to bash. It's been proven over and over again that gay bashers are indeed closet gays, or at least bi. Bashing gays is simply a way of asserting their own PERCEIVED heterosexuality. They're shit scared of what lurks within their chromosomes. You're guilty of a similar mentality when you feel like smacking a fairy.
I lived in a country boarding house during my early days in radio. One of the guys there got his jollies from poking fun at me. At dinner time, he would be whispering something to the other house guests, and they'd all snigger. Took me a while to figure out what the prob was. One night he was playing cards with some guys. I barged into the room, pointed my finger at him and said, "I wanna see you. Now." He followed me to my room, where I told him that his prob was that I was like a mirror, and he didn't enjoy the sight of his own reflection. We became friends after that. :) A month or so later, he hit on me, but I turned him down hehehe. I was 25 then, but looked more like a teen. The guy was very good looking, by the way.
Meantime, you're at an age now where image is very important. Teens who don't "fit in" to the accepted mould are ostracized and ridiculed for their differences. The "cool" teens see some pop star or movie star wearing something rad and they all rush out to buy it. Or a new word is introduced in a movie or whatever, and it's instantly adopted by the "cool" teens. Any teen who refuses to be a follower of fashion is labeled uncool. It's all about insecurity - an unwillingness to be one's true self for fear of ridicule. Mind you, most adults are afflicted by the same mentality. Six billion sheep and a handful of shepherds.
I'm reminded of the message Cody had at the bottom of all his emails: "Everyone has the right to be respected for their differences, and the responsibility to respect others for theirs." Cody understood the meaning of that message, and that's one of the things that helped him be true to his individuality. Mind you, he also had an image that he projected - he wanted to be accepted by his peers too, but I think he understood the difference between an image and what laid beneath it.
Wingnut? He's very competitive. He plays rugby and cricket at school, he's on the swim team, and he does boxing training. When he taunts you about boxing like a girl, and hits the hell outa you, what's he trying to prove? That he's superior? He doesn't have any complexes about being inferior. He's accepted by his peers and is held in high regard. He's one of the best sportsmen at his school. What does he have to prove? Not a damn thing.
Wingnut wants you to be like Cody. And he's gonna bash the shit outa you until you're better than he is. He wants to toughen you up. He wants a hero. When he and Code used to wrestle or whatever, Cody would always win. Wingnut would cuss like a trooper, and complain like all hell, but he loved Code's dominance. That's what Wingnut wanted. He wanted a BIG bro that he could respect and admire. But Code could also be gentle and complimentary, and massage Wingnut's ego from time to time. So there was a balance. Yep, Wingnut taunts you cos he wants you to get mad hehehe. He wants to be proud of you. He wants his buds and guys like Craig to eat humble pie. He wants to prove to them that you're everything he wants you to be.
But there's something else Wingnut wants. He wants you to admire him. Ask him about his sport sometimes. Take an interest in the things he's proud of. Compliment him. Ask him about his girl. Y'know, Steve, we virgos can appear to be aloof sometimes, not to mention picky. People can easily get the impression that we've got our noses in the air, and that we're insensitive to their needs and feelings. Wingnut needs a hero, but more importantly he needs his hero to think he's a hero too. :)
Remember, though, that Wingnut is a boy, and he may not be fully aware of what his motives are. Both of you want a Cody clone, but that ain't what you're gonna get. You'll get a Wingnut and he'll get a Steve. But that's OK. If both of you were good enough for Cody, you should be good enough for each other.
Meantime, you're confining the real Steve to a small circle of friends, paranoid about what might happen "if the shit hits the fan". I used to be in the same boat, but I was outed by the cops. Being gay in Oz in the early 70s was against the law. I was sacked from my job. My parents were devestated. I was hauled before the court. Yep, there was a helluva lotta shit, and it was a big fan. I was the breakfast announcer in that town, and everybody knew me. I was a celeb, and would often get my pic published in the local papers. News of my being charged with indecent assault upon a male person spread like wildfire.
How many friends did I lose? A few, but none of my close friends. And I ended up making a whole bunch more hehehe. Shortly after that, homosexuality was decriminalised and eventually the court case was dropped. A couple of guys asked me to work in their advertising agency. They kept their day jobs while I got the thing off the ground. I was everything - creative director, account director, you name it. I had to visit businesses run by people who knew about the court case. Not a prob. Not once did anyone give me a hard time. I was amazed at the respect I was given, and all the new friends I'd made. The ad agency, by the way, is now quite a biggie, and turns over tens of millions of dollars. I'm still friends with the boss.
Am I suggesting that you out yourself, Steve? No. I wouldn't have either if the choice had been left to me. But I can tell you that it's the best thing that ever happened to me. After the dust had settled, I had nothing to be afraid of anymore. The boss of the radio station that fired me hired me again a few years later in Sydney. Despite my "rep" I worked for a total of five Sydney radio stations, and one in Brisbane. I also worked for a Sydney TV station. So, if the day comes when you're outed, either by your own choosing or circumstances beyond your control, don't fear it. It ain't the biggie that everyone imagines it to be. In my case, I lost nothing and gained everything.
I understand what the fear is, though. You spend all your life projecting a certain image, and the thought of suddenly having that image shattered scares you to death. Paranoia one, Steve nil. Meantime, don't be unduly concerned by all that stuff. I just figured that my experience with being outed - albeit involuntarily - might be useful to you some day. The only things you need be concerned with right now are school, surfing, your friends, having fun, and keeping fit. AND EMAILING ME! You can deal with what lies down the track when you get there.
You're right about the rosewood pedestal being too small for you. :) I've got a bigger one. :) And I'm glad Wingnut complimented you on your surf session the other day. It would have reminded him of the good old days, and their imminent return. I visualize you tanned and wet; blonde hair clinging to your scalp and neck; carving up the waves. Swoon! Even among hereos there are heroes that stand taller and prouder. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. I'm fulla shit. Well, you're not gonna change that, so don't even bother to try.
Time for a shower. It's 10am already, and I've been up since 6am, which is pretty late for me. I'm usually up anywhere between 3 and 5am.
Hooroo for now
Your friend and the legendary Codeman's
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