Florida, USA
Part 12

"Maybe I should turn in," Kevin announced as he stood, and attracted two pairs of eyes instantly to his bouncing semi. "It's kinda late anyway, and you guys probably wanna be alone."

"Are you sure it's us who wanna be alone?"

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"You're running away."

"I'm just not ready, that's all. It's one thing to drop my shorts for a joke, but it's not a joke any more."

"You still haven't told us what you were thinking about when you jacked off."

"Remember what you said about the queens at Disney, Daniel? Well, I feel the same way. It's not my scene, and I don't wanna take that road... and if you blow me, that could be the first step."

"First step to what?" Joshua demanded. "You're gonna fuck Daniel's face, then powder your face and put on false eyelashes? Huh? There's gonna be some instant transformation? You'll be mincing and lisping for the rest of your life? Is that what's worrying you?"

"I like the way I am. I don't wanna change."

"Change into what?"

"You want the truth? OK, here's the fucking truth. You turn me on. Both you and Daniel. I get excited. I fantasize about... about certain stuff. Don't you see? If I actually do something about it, there'll be no turning back. I can't take the risk. And you're right. The thought of mincing and lisping for the rest of my life scares the fuck outa me. When you guys were kissing my boner, I knew right there and then that... well..."

"Knew what?"

"That it was dangerous."

"Hey, listen up... there's something I need to say to you guys. Sit down, Kevin. Daniel? You wanna get three more Buds from the fridge? And don't be long."

I was back in a flash, and, once again, the sound of three popping ring-pulls filled the room.

"OK, now pay attention," Joshua continued. "In my opinion, queens aren't a big deal. There's nothing scary about queens, and there shouldn't be anything scary about being a queen. Usually, queens are based on drama, but they're no big deal. They're unique, just like everyone else. They add a bit of humor to society. And, usually, the guys who act like queens realize that they're providing humor. And that's what they wanna do. It's also why they do it. Like when I start flapping my wrists, and whining in a falsetto voice. I do it for humor, and to draw attention."

"Like those queens who were shrieking in the ExtraTerror thingy?" I suggested.

"Was I shrieking?"

"No. You were laughing."

"Am I a queen?"

"Not really."

"Are you?"

"No fucking way."

"But you've sucked cock." Then Joshua turned his attention to Kevin. "Do you think Daniel's a queen?"

"No."

"So sucking cock doesn't automatically make you a queen. Is that correct?"

"I guess so."

"So why are you guys so afraid of queens? Are you uncomfortable with your own identities? Are you afraid that if you hang with a fag..."

"Don't use that word," Kevin complained.

"Why not? Fag, fag, fag, fag, fag. If you say it often enough, it doesn't matter any more. Fag, fag, fag, fag. Anyway, are you afraid that if you hang with a fag that you're gonna get limp wrists? Start gossiping at the beauty salon? Start collecting Barbara Streisand albums? And talking in a girly voice? Are you afraid these things will suddenly happen to you if you give rein to your true feelings?"

"Oh? So you're an expert on my feelings now?"

"Kevin, listen up. It's called 'internalized homophobia'. And many, many gay people suffer from this."

"So now I'm gay?"

"Shuddup and listen. That's why it's so difficult for many people to admit to themselves that they're gay. Even straight people have internalized homophobia. It's usually something that occurs in parents of homosexual children. The parents say they completely support their children, etc, etc, etc... yadda, yadda, yadda... but when it comes right down to it, they're afraid to tell their friends. Truth is, they feel uncomfortable around their children."

"Is this the kinda crap you preach on the gay and lesbian web site?"

"It's not crap, Kevin. And I'm considering starting a new group for parents and friends of gay children, as well as the kids themselves. The idea is to prevent parents from kicking their kids outa home before they're eighteen. Anyway, let me tell you something. I'm a fag, and Daniel's hanging around me."

"Only 'cause you're good looking," I cracked.

"Don't interrupt. This is serious. Huh? Am I? Oh! Cool! Now where was I? Oh, yeah... So, Daniel, you'd better be careful, or you'll start behaving like a fag, too. Or will you? This is something you'll have to figure out on your own."

"I won't change."

"You already have. Not 'cause of me, but 'cause of Paul and Kyle and your other buds. Your problem is not about being gay, but about being afraid of where it might lead. Same with you, Kevin. That's why you're afraid of queens. Anyway, for me, I didn't turn into a fag when I started working for Disney. It wasn't like I waltzed into the place on day one and suddenly became different. But I did learn how to have fun and make people laugh. In other words, I learned how to chill. I learned that queens weren't a threat... that they didn't have some kinda magic power over me... that they couldn't change what was basically me."

"Which is?"

"A gridiron player who has a supply of mascara and lippy in his locker. :-P"

"Be serious, Joshua. You've changed. Admit it."

"Changed? No, I haven't changed... not deep down. I'm still me. What's happened is that I've become tolerant. Actually, it's more than just tolerance. I enjoy being around queens. We have fun. We laugh. They know that I'm not gonna influence them to become gridiron players, and I know that I'm not gonna suddenly have a closet full of strapless evening gowns and diamond-studded stilettos. Well... not a whole closet full. :-P OK, so I didn't act gay before I began working at Disney. But so what? Disney didn't make me gay, it just taught me how to roll with the flow, and to appreciate gay humor."

"But you can't go back," Kevin argued. "And that's my point. Your old self is irretrievable. It's gone forever."

"Wrong. All I've done is build upon my old self. My old self is still there. Am I a queen? Depends on how hyper I am. Some nights I'm such a queen you wouldn't believe it...yes you would... you've seen me. But other nights I'm so damn straight that I'm completely devoid of humor. So I can be anyone I wanna be at any time. And it's all by my own choice, and what mood I'm in."

"Hey, can you hear yourself, Josh? What you're telling me is that you don't know who you are any more. Gridiron player one minute, queen the next. That's not what I want for myself. I wanna know exactly who I am."

"Oh? So who exactly are you, Kevin?"

"What do you mean who am I? You're looking at me!"

"Yeah," I grinned as I eyed Kevin's big, lazy schlong, which was just begging to be eaten. "Sure am. Woohoo!"

"Be serious, Daniel."

"I am being serious. Check that thing out will ya! It's fucking wicked!"

Joshua took a moment to glare at me, none too pleased with my interruption, then returned his attention to Kevin. "If you're afraid of what might happen to you if you let Daniel blow you, then you're already aware of that aspect of your sexuality. It exists already. All you're doing is trying to deny it. Do you really believe that denying it will make it disappear? And if you do accept it, do you really think that you'll turn into a queen? One swallow doesn't make a spring, y'know."

"Swallow?"

"A bird, Daniel. Shut the fuck up. Anyway, it's pretty obvious to me that it's not queens who frighten you guys, it's your own selves... your own lack of confidence in your own strength of character. Bottom line? Lighten up!"

Kevin studied his beer can for quite a while as Joshua and I waited for a response from him. I'd already made up my mind. Joshua was right. Fear of queens was just as ridiculous as fear of gays... or of gay sex.

"Kevin?" I asked after a long silence.

"What?" he replied without taking his eyes off the beer can.

"Joshua's right... but so are you. If you let me blow you, you're never gonna be the same again. Same guy, but with a different attitude."

"To what?"

"Gay sex."

"So I'll wanna do it again? Is that what you're saying?" he asked as he raised his eyes to mine. "That's what worries me. I don't mix in the same circles as you and Josh do. And despite what you say, I don't wanna live a gay lifestyle."

"Who says you've gotta live a gay lifestyle? I don't. None of my friends do. We're all just regular guys... well, kinda regular."

"But how do you find people? I mean... guys like yourself?"

"Same way you do, 'cept I don't freak when they come along. Actually, they're the ones who freak some of the time."

"And you never do?"

"I kinda freaked when I saw Joshua at the bus station... and when I first saw Kostik and Kyle. But it wasn't like run away freak. It was more like whoa! freak."

"You did run away," Joshua reminded me.

"About Gay Day? Just after I got here? Yeah. That was pretty fucking dumb. Sorry 'bout that."

"So I didn't freak you?"

"No, Kevin. I didn't know you, and I wasn't expecting anything. You just kinda appeared outa nowhere. So there was nothing to freak about."

"You freaked me," Joshua smiled at Kevin. "When you first came to ask about sharing the apartment, I couldn't believe my luck."

"What luck?"

"Just having a blonde god around the place to gawk at."

"You never said anything."

"I didn't have the nerve... and I didn't want you thinking the wrong thing... or the right thing, for that matter."

"Hey, you wanna know something?" Kevin giggled. "I thought the same thing about you."

"You did? Really?"

"Hey!" I interrupted. "Is everybody cool now? Good! Can we get down to some serious business? I'm not leaving this fucking place 'til I get a faceful of Kevin's awesome schlong. I can't stand it any more. I've been gawking at that wicked thing all damn night. AND I WANT IT!"

"Hey, Daniel. You sure you know what you're saying? I saw what happened when you blew Josh... and I've got almost another two inches."

"The more the fucking merrier, I always say. Are you gonna help me, Joshua?"

"Just try and stop me!"

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