A Steve Graphic
Based on emails from July, 2002.
I thought all the MrB readers had just about said everything there was to be said about the impact Cody had on everyone. Seemed like everyone had been Codified in one way or another, including me. I'd spent a bit of time trying to unravel that last Cody News page, and placed the pics where they were supposed to be, trying to figure out what Cody had in mind. He used to drive me fucking insane with the way he put those pages together. He would first collect pics that he thought were cool, or that he thought would be cool once they were modified or enhanced or whatfuckingever. Then he used to write text files. One text file for each little paragraph on the page WITHOUT FUCKING HEADINGS! Anyway, I thought I'd finally figured out his news page OK. Some of the pics got damaged, and I needed to reload them. I thought it was cos I was in too much of a hurry. And I'd suspected that I still had some type of damn comp virus that was corrupting the pics. Wasn't totally sure, though. Everything else seemed to be OK.
So I just pasted his stuff in the blocks that he'd already set out on the news page layout. It used to take him forever to put those pages together. It was obvious that the fling between me and Steph was still hassling Cody when he'd written that item about giving your friends a phone call for New Years.
"Remember that "bud" that screwed your chick? Give him a call as well and tell him you love him and that all is forgiven."
But I knew that the two of us had reconnected after that cockup, so that was cool.
I was totally hung over as I wrote this email to Gary. "I'm not sure if I'm the right person to help Luke. I think my prob is that I'll try to find excuses for his habit, and how hard it is to break. And make no fucking mistake, it's not easy depending on what he's using. Grass? It's not addictive, but it's mixing it with the booze that does the damage. That's why I feel like I do now."
"No, Gary, I didn't go on a bender on Monday [Cody's birthday]." But I did yesterday, though. Bruce had to drive over and bail me out again cos I couldn't get home from this other dude's house. Bruce rattled my cage so bad that I told him to stop trying to be my fucking mother. He goes on and fucking on like he's a fucking saint.
"You've got a habit as well, Bruce, so shut the fuck up."
"You're into me."
"That was fucking low, Steve."
"Yeah? So tell me I'm a liar."
"If you're gonna be aggro, then I'll just take you home."
"Yeah, prop me in front of my folks' room so they can see their son in glorious technicolor. If you're desperate, you can suck me off in the car before taking me inside."
Hahahaha! Bruce didn't lose it often, but he gave me a flathander across the face. Smack! He shouldn't have done that cos I climbed into him. The two of us ended up wrestling and hitting each other. Of course, he got the upper hand cos I was a drunken cripple.
"So, Gary, tell Luke that it [booze, grass] really fucks up your ability to defend yourself. Even from a bud, as in my case."
Anyway, Bruce and I kissed and made up, and that was it. I spent the night with him, and we had ourselves a pretty raunchy night. Well, I thought Bruce did cos I couldn't keep my fucking erection going. I didn't think it hassled him too much, though. He was just happy to have me naked in his bed.
So now as I wrote to Gary I was totally hung over, which was not good. To add to my misery, the surf was slop, so I climbed into bed and slept some more.
I was also supposed to meet up with Julie that night, and I really didn't want a fucking lecture from her about how totalled I was.
Wingnut was due to leave on a school rugger tour that coming Friday for a week. So I was gonna be Wingerless for a whole seven days. School had been better for me, though. But this being at home, and no surf, was totally fucking no good for me.
"Hey, Gary, I've just started reading a book called The Color of Magic by Terry Pratchett. It is a fucking hoot! I don't know what he was fucking on when he wrote it, but it definitely gets a 10 outta 10 for being totally over the top. I'd read it now but I can't fucking focus. I need to do some gym work but I'm fucking laaaaaaaaaaaaazy!"
"Hope it goes cool with Luke, and you guys get that mess sorted. Maybe you wanna tell him about the way my bud [Cody] was fucking raped and abused and taken fucking advantage of cos he wasn't in control."
"This is Steve signing off 'til l8r."
It was about four days later that I wrote Gary again. I was in total shit at home, so I spent a lotta time trying to retrieve Cody's old email to Gary, as well as Gary's replies. "This is one of Cody's mail folders back in '98. Im busy with another one. A lot of his mail was fucked cos of Eudora deleting stuff when it was full. Its in PDF format. Will write to you next week some time. Cheers. Steve"
I wrote Gary again the following day. "I've been working on some more Cody mail. He used to save all his stuff in directories on Eudora but he never realized that they trashed stuff at random. Obviously, he never managed the size of his mailbox properly, and must've thought that he had endless amounts of space from them or something."
"I'm working on two separate files to try to make them a bit more manageable. I'll get them off to you in the week. This is mail from Cody to you. I don't know who this Steve guy is that he speaks about, but it definitely isn't me. The Steve Cody talks about used to get on with his folks and seemed to have a life. Hahahaha!"
"My dad and I are gonna have a huge talk when he gets back from Europe. He wants to know what happened to the son he used to have a year or two ago. He's not been too bad, though. Even came and said goodbye before flying off to Europe."
"I'm gonna hit the surf early this morning, then do some gym or something. Meantime, don't lose your cool with your MrB members. I read what you wrote on your news page, and you need to not piss the guys off. I think a lot of them know what you're going through. Is that the same Dave that you and Cody used to talk about? The guy who used to webmaster the Daniel's Diary site for you? See! I'm learning about what you and Cody used to get up to hahahahahaha! Cheers."
That same day, I sent more of Cody's mail to Gary - zipped. Cody used to tell me about some of the emails he received from guys who had problems with their sexuality. Cody would bitch about them cos it would take him hours to figure out how to get through to those dudes. Like the one Gary got from Wizid.
"Why fucking bother?" I asked Cody.
"Cos my life was saved like that; by somebody who cared enough to give me the time of day. Not everyone is like you, Steve."
I remembered that day like it was fucking yesterday. It was one of our biggest arguments. "What do you mean?"
"You don't give a fuck about anything except Steve!"
"Yeah, well fuck you! What fucking difference are you gonna make to any of those dudes, Cody?"
"How will I know if I don't at least try?"
"So now you're becoming a Dear fucking Abby for the net? And then bitch about the guys writing you?"
"I bitch cos I don't always have the time to write. But it's cool that they mail me."
I guessed that was how Code became so liked by everyone, cos he always made time for others whether he knew them or not. I needed Cody on Friday cos I was in the shit with my dad AGAIN!
I'd been in chat on Thursday night with Viking and Jack and Dio and Clint when my dad walked into my room and saw a joint on my desk. The fucking thing had been sitting there for two days already - unsmoked. He turned around and slammed the door. Then I could hear him going off at my mom. I just thought, "fuck him", cos I wasn't in the mood for his shit. After a while, he came storming back into my room and said he wanted to see me "right now!"
"Are you still taking drugs, Steve?"
"Then what was that on your desk?"
"But it wasn't yours, right?"
"Yes, it was, and you know it. It's been sitting there for two days already."
"So you weren't gonna smoke it? Is that what you're saying?"
"Hey, why don't you just take me out to the garage and give me a fucking hiding instead of this shit?"
"Because that doesn't work for you... nor for me."
"Hey, it works for me just fine."
Oh, my fuck, my dad hated to be spoken to like that, and I could see that he wasn't handling my lip at all.
"And coming home stinking drunk yesterday?"
"I can't explain that to you cos you wouldn't understand."
"It was my friend's birthday on Monday. The one who got killed."
"So he would've wanted you to get drunk?"
"No. It just helps me to handle not having him around."
"You're becoming a damn alcoholic."
"An embarrassment, huh? Big shot's son found drunk in the gutter? No good for your fucking image?"
My dad wasn't thinking when he hit me across the face. And I couldn't stop the tears cos the smack was so fucking painful. But I was determined not to cry out loud. Not in front of him. No fucking way.
"I'm not one of your drug addict friends, Steve. Don't speak to me like that."
"What do you want? You want me and your mother to leave you alone to ruin your life? Is that it?"
"I thought things were getting better."
"So did we. And don't use your friend's death as an excuse. You've changed over the last two to three years, and we don't know why. I just see you drifting further and further away, and I don't know what to do about it."
"I try. I've tried. It's just now."
Well, that feeble explanation didn't stop my dad from giving me a long lecture about it being my last chance [to reform] or it would definitely be rehab for me. Even then, he wasn't sure if he'd want me back at home again or not. My mom wasn't there in the room, so I didn't know if she was in on the plan to get rid of Steve. In any case, I'd blown any chance of going with him to Europe.
"Not on your fucking life!"
First time he'd cussed the whole time. Hahahahaha! Damn! So I wouldn't be getting any English bangers [sausages].
Anyway, as I told Gary, I'd been going through Cody's old emails on Eudora. My dad had installed a copy of Acrobat on his PC, so I would copy all of Cody's email to that when my dad was out, and save the whole web page in Acrobat. And it worked fucking well!
There was a lot of email missing, though. Even so, I'd learned a great deal by reading that email. I'd also downloaded all of the Cody and TJ stories and put them into Acrobat form so that the guys [visitors to his site] could download the whole thing like a book if they wanted to. I planned to upload it all to his story page some time soon.
I'd also checked out the lastest Kostik pics on RSC. I had to agree with Code. That dude had an interesting cock. When it was slack, it was like tiny, but it made for a good hardon. One of those hardons that you wanted to put in your mouth while it was slack, then feel it choke you as it came to life hahahahaha!
"I'm not here."
Yeah, right. Meantime, Julie had a huge fucking argument with me on Saturday cos I wasn't able to go out. Another of my dad's issues. Gated. Grounded. Time out. She wanted to know why my dad was treating me like a little kid.
"Cos he knows that I'm not going to get my end wet, anyway."
"Do you still want to go out with me, Steve? Cos if not, I need to know."
"What do you wanna do?" I asked, sending the ball back to her court. "I'm not going to carry on being a fucking monk."
"Let's talk about it."
"Let's talk in bed, Julie. What the fuck are you scared of? You're on the fucking pill, anyway. It's not like you don't love me."
"Do you love me?"
"I don't even need to answer that cos if you don't think so, then I don't fucking know."
Anyway, I said that I would see her during the week sometime. It was obvious that we had issues to sort out. Issues, issues, issues. Like I didn't have enough already.
Copyright © 2002 All rights reserved. mrbstories